How nonjudgmental should one be? — Drilled and burned into therapists’ brains is the belief that they must be non-judgmental. That their values need to be subservient to the greater good of helping clients feel safe enough to explore their issues and work through them. Sounds noble but, in reality, virtually impossible to achieve especially when…

Relationship problems, anger, shame, depression, anxiety all result from the use of the word should. “Should” seems like such a natural way to think, so ubiquitous that we barely notice its presence. I often have to interrupt clients multiple times during sessions to point out their use of that word…

How many times have you or a friend experienced a relationship that begins like gangbusters, continues beautifully without a hiccup or even a disagreement, and ends when your boyfriend or girlfriend suddenly breaks up with you for no good goddamn reason? I cannot tell you how many clients come to…

I was waiting at a CVS store in Manhattan last month when I noticed that a customer on an adjacent line was not wearing a mask. He caught me staring so I casually pointed my finger at my mask. He looked at me and said, nonchalantly: “I’m a libertarian.” On…

“Not enough sex.” We’re fighting all the time.” “I can’t trust him.” These are among the most common reasons that bring couples to counseling. But, it is not the existence of problems that causes dysfunction but HOW they are dealt with. In my years as a couples counselor, I could…

I always thought, in a romantic relationship, you were supposed to make your partner happy. But that belief was not working out particularly well for me. It created tons of pressure, which compelled me to put others needs before mine. While this may seem like a trait to be admired…

I tried to stop… — I cheat on my wife. I can’t help it. The sensations, the anticipation are all too much for me. Hell, I have tried and tried to stop. But it’s a force so powerful as to almost defy description. It’s a mistress always there, always willing to meet my needs, never…

Tips on staying out of trouble — “We’re just good friends” is what you might tell yourself at first. But self-delusion and rationalization only go so far before reality sets in: you are in a full-blown emotional affair with a coworker. You look forward to seeing her every day, enjoy her company more than your partner’s and…

Married ten years to a Haitian woman, I could not help but see that the subject of racism had gradually become a source of alienation between us. I present her story here, in her own words, as a way to give voice to her concerns and, perhaps, to come to…