Note To Self: I Am NOT Responsible For My Partner’s Happiness

I always thought, in a romantic relationship, you were supposed to make your partner happy. But that belief was not working out particularly well for me. It created tons of pressure, which compelled me to put others needs before mine. While this may seem like a trait to be admired, it actually meant that I was defining myself on something that I have no control over: making someone else happy. You may be thinking that’s absurd, of course we can make someone happy, otherwise why bother having relationships. But the hard truth is, we can only TRY to make our partners happy. Their happiness depends on themselves — their personalities, their dispositions, their issues.

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with a girlfriend who struggled with depression. I pulled out all the stops to help her: finding a psychiatrist who took her insurance, giving her self-help books, treating her to a gym membership. But nothing really worked. I felt powerless, ineffectual, the opposite of how I liked to perceive myself. While a bit ashamed to admit, I did feel anger towards her for “making” me feel that way. You can imagine how wrong it can feel blaming a person who is suffering. While still trying to be a helpful partner, I started emotionally withdrawing though she barely noticed, being mostly consumed with her own problems. I shared my distress with a…